An Imagined #SCOTUS Group Chat for FDA v. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists

–8/26/20–

@Clerk: SG filed application for stay in abortion case. District Court entered nationwide injunction to make it easier to obtain mifepristone during the pandemic.

–9/10/20–

@Clerk: Briefing completed in abortion case.

@Chief: I vote to deny the stay. We are too close to the election to rule on abortion. What do you all think?

@RBG: Steve, Sonia, Elena, and I will join you. That makes five.

@Chief: Okay, Sam and Clarence, I assume you want to dissent?

@PhilliesFan: I can’t believe I have to do this again.

@BigRed: We should vote to overrule Roe already.

@Chief: Okay, Neil and Brett, what do you think?

@RobesNotCapes: Uh, I won’t say anything. Still smarting from Bostock.

@BeachWeek: I’ll find some technical jurisdictional way to avoid ruling on abortion again.

@Chief: Fine. Sam, can you please finish your dissent in about a week or so.

–9/18/20–

@PhilliesFan: Hey Chief, now you have four votes.

@TheRealChief: I have an idea. What if we deny the stay without denying the stay.

@Chief: What do you mean Elena?

@TheRealChief: What if we remand to the District Court, and give it another opportunity to reconsider whether its nationwide injunction was proper. Then we don’t have to do anything, but the Trump Administration loses. It’s a #WinWin.

@BigRed: How is that a Win-Win? The government loses.

@BreyerPager: And perhaps the District Court can consider whether the COVID situation is still severe enough to warrant this restriction. Perhaps the situation is different. Perhaps the facts balance out differently. I like it.

@PhilliesFan: You’ve got to be kidding me. Do you really think the public is that stupid? You are denying the stay.

@Chief: Well, we can say that we are not indicating the Court’s views on the merits. I like it. What do you think Neil?

@RobesNotCapes: Yeah, we really shouldn’t be talking about abortion. Amy’s confirmation hearing is in a few days. Let’s keep things smooth for her. Remember when you jerks reversed one of my opinions during my hearing? Total d*ck move.

@BeachWeek: I have an idea. Let’s cite some obscure opinion from five decades ago so it is really clear we aren’t talking about abortion. Maybe Justice Harlan. And maybe we can dismiss the ACA as improvidently granted. Really make things easier for the Glorious ACB.

@MyBelovedWorld: Now, don’t you start.

@TheRealChief: #TooSoon

@BeachWeek: Whatever. I am going to be the swing vote soon.

@MyBelovedWorld: You will be the swing vote until we welcome Justices Brown Jackson and Kruger. 6-5 will be the new 5-4.

@BreyerPager: And I will be the swing vote. Now they will have to answer my questions!

@TheRealChief: And I will be the Real Chief.

@Chief: What about me?

@TheRealChief: You can write the ERISA cases.

@PhiliesFan: Okay, I’ve circulated my dissent. Does anyone want to even bother replying? I called you all hypocrites. Anyone?

–@GoIrish Joins Group–

@GoIrish: Hi everyone. Is it too soon for me to join?

@Chief: Welcome Amy. You were nominated. That’s close enough.

–@MerrickGizzle Joins Group–

@Chief: Let me clarify. You were nominated, and have a hearing scheduled.

–@MerrickGizzle Leaves Group–

@GoIrish: Thanks Chief. I will need a bigger parking spot to fit my minivan.

@BigRed: I can move my RV a bit.

@Chief: Okay, we done here? It’s getting late. I am going to call it quits.

@TheRealChief: Somewhere Josh just wrote another blog post about you retiring.

@Chief: Whatever, I’ve blocked him on Twitter.

@PhilliesFan: #BlueJune.

@Chief: Stop it! That stopped being funny three months ago. I can’t believe he wrote an entire stupid article about the term. He really isn’t funny. I doubt anyone even bothers reading his stuff till the end.

@DeputyMarshall: Okay, I am going to gavel this chat to a close. Conference tomorrow morning. Night tweeps.